Drive and Disconnect

During the last few days of the year, I get super reflective and emotional.

This year "talking to the moooooOOOn" and "you make me feeeeeeeel the world arouuunddd me" wasn't helping.

Another year has passed. Am I closer to what I want to achieve, to the person I want to be?

To be honest, I had mixed feelings this year.

I moved into my first big girl apartment in the heart of the city, got promoted at work, and traveled to new cities with friends and family.

However, it was also the most "unproductive" year. This is because I put so much "work" on hold.

I gave everything but myself the bare minimum.

The crazy thing is that I am so proud of myself.

I've created so much "me" time for myself.

I was kind to myself, patient with myself, and was unapologetically true to myself.

For once, I put everything on hold except myself.

I learned to trust Leyla.

The further I get into my growth journey, the cornier I sound, but bear with me.

I do things with so much more confidence and assurance now.

I'm not afraid to try new things or new situations because I trust that I will carry myself back up if I fall.

I've made mistakes, but I forgive myself because I trust that I'll learn from my mistakes.

I trust myself enough to make my own decisions and stand by them.

The more I trust myself, the more I trust my journey.

Trusting my journey is important because I'm an overthinker and constantly worry about my future.

I've always had a plan. Since I was 10, I knew what I wanted to be, where I wanted to be it, when I wanted to be it, and how I wanted to be it. Let's just say my plan isn't going exactly as planned, but not in a bad way, though.

Change is okay.

My plan was so specific, like I thought everything through from the age I would get married to the school where I would get my Ph.D.

What I didn't consider was that years later, I wouldn't be the same person I was when I made that plan.

I changed, not in a glow-up or glow-down sense but just how I experience the world.

Some important things to me back then aren't important to me anymore. I like new things, and I dislike some things I used to enjoy.

It just doesn't make sense to follow a plan word for word in a constantly changing world like ours.

I became open-minded and allowed some things to change my plan.

Part of my plan was to get my Master's degree before the age of 23. Something about getting things done young and early has always been so important to me. I am now 23 with no Master's degree. I graduated from undergrad early with three degrees; during my final semester in college, going to graduate school right after just felt impossible. I was exhausted; I wanted a big girl job. So I applied for a consulting job and got it (well, long story short).

I was financially independent at 21, moved to a whole new city during a global pandemic, and started my non-profit. This came with a lot of responsibility, and at that time, I regretted my decision, but two years later, I can say that I am so happy that I decided to modify my plan.

I learned so much and experienced so much during this time. I've decided that I want to change the degree I wanted to get in graduate school and that the experience I am currently getting will be valuable to me when I go back to school.

I realized this change is what I needed to be the person I know I can be, even on a more personal level. I'm not an expert on life; I mean no one really is, sometimes going with the flow is needed.

Some things worked out perfectly, and others didn't, and that's okay because I trust my journey.

Instead of having a script-like plan for my life, I now have an outline-like plan. My goal and purpose haven't changed, but I'm open to change for everything else. Even when it's not in my control, I trust myself enough to adapt.

Change is okay because I trust my journey.