Goodbyes

Part 1.

Just one phone call followed by a text a few minutes later, and my whole world collapsed.

My legs couldn't hold my weight, and my heart stopped.

I was at a friend's apartment when this happened, and somehow, I found myself back home. I fell onto my bed, where I saw the slightest bit of comfort under my covers as if my pink comforter from Amazon would hide me from reality.

I was nauseous. I was confused. The only thing I could think about was when I saw him last, the last time I spoke to him.

Ohh, I was angry. I was mad because this wasn't part of the plan.

As selfish as this may sound, I didn't think I could live with this type of pain.

I mean, I knew that I would still be breathing, but at that moment, I couldn't guarantee I would ever smile again.

This all happened towards the end of my junior year; deadlines for literally everything was approaching, so I couldn't let myself feel anything. Letting myself feel meant breaking down and that wasn't something I could afford.

Nothing anyone said felt like enough.

No one had the right words.

I only had one question, "why"?

I had a question no one could answer.

A question that got me closer to my religion.

A question that humbled me because there was nothing I could do to prevent it from happening.

I lost a friend, and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it.

Grieving never really ends. No one can tell you how to mourn or when to grieve.

I remember I used to get mad when people would try and give me advice on how to grieve.

I got irritated when people felt bad for me.

I felt suffocated when people would come and check up on me.

I mean, I'm a planner, organized, and always ready.

The one thing I will never be ready for is goodbye.

I can't wrap myself around the idea that someone can be here today and not be here tomorrow.

We weren't on the best of terms when it happened. I was mad about something, and now this thing seems like the most irrelevant thing in the world. Not only did I carry grief around I also carried guilt and shame.

This is something I never thought I'd share. This is something that kept me up for nights.

What did I do?

I packed my feelings up in a folder and put them somewhere until I was ready for them. This took a year.

Do I advise doing this? No. But I like I said earlier, there is no one way to grieve.

Oh, and I prayed. I prayed for the deceased, and I prayed for the living.

I prayed that I never have to mourn someone that I didn't tell how much they are valued and how much they are loved.

We can't look at the world with tears in our hearts. We can still feel the world with pieces of our heart missing..

Once again, I'll refer to myself as a student of life.

I learned a lot from this and other moments like this.

I feel like I shouldn't even ask people to be kind, but please be understanding.

Be understanding because the person I was at the time could barely breathe, and no one could tell.

I fake smiled so much that I even convinced myself I was okay for a bit.

Life went on, and people punished me for not acting like myself. This came from the people who were closest to me. It didn't come from a place of hatred but just a place of ignorance.

And remember, you don't owe anyone an explanation.

You'll tell them when you are ready and when and if you want to.

I remember being in rooms full of noise, and I couldn't hear a thing because my mind was elsewhere.

So if there is one thing I wanted during those times was understanding.

Not the pity understanding where we both look at each other and cry but the" I understand why you aren't the same person you used to be and that's okay" understanding.

And if you've lost someone, you are not alone.

Honor their memory by living your life; that's what they would've wanted you to do.

Remember the good times.

I believe as days go by, God reduces the pain in your heart.

I have to believe this because if not, we would never smile again.

That nauseous feeling would never go away.

We wouldn't have the strength to get out of bed in the morning.

Write. I write.

I write letters that have no delivery address.

I'm talking to them, whether they are over my shoulder reading it as I write them or how it works up there.

inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un

"Indeed, to Allah we belong and to Allah we shall return."