“I’m the biggest project I’ll ever work on.”
I say this to myself every morning.
Saying this and most importantly believing this changed my life
I’m a hard worker- I put a lot of thought and energy into my studies, work, and relationships.
What I didn’t know was that I needed to put that same energy into myself.
I underestimated the power of knowing myself.
I knew that I couldn’t control the world around me, but I wanted to be in control of how I let the “world” affect me.
2019.
The world was too much for me in 2019, I felt like I was watching my own life on a big screen.
I was overwhelmed. I had so much to do with so little energy. I was drowning.
I told myself I was too “busy“ to feel.
I was too scared to process things because I couldn’t afford to break down.
I woke up every day looking like myself but not feeling like myself.
I portrayed strength to the world but weakness to my inner me.
At that moment the “world” had won.
I started journaling my thoughts and feelings.
2020.
Let’s just skip past this year because I was confused, you were confused, everyone was confused. We all get a pass.
I kept journaling my thoughts and feelings.
2021.
I decided to focus on myself.
I studied myself. I still study myself.
I’ve always feared the unknown.
I refused to see myself as something I didn’t know, something I couldn’t master.
I didn’t like the feeling of not belonging, of not feeling like enough, of not being me.
So, I looked back at my past journal entries.
And believe me when I tell you, I felt all the emotions.
I was currently living the life I had once prayed for and worried about.
I took things that I have today, that I was once stressed about in the past, for granted.
I read about people who weren’t in my life anymore.
I laughed and I cried. I couldn’t feel it but I grew.
I remember exactly how I felt that day.
I was relieved. Better days are ahead.
Celebrate the small wins, live in the moment and remember everything happens for a reason.
When you feel overwhelmed, take a step back.
Think of the days you thought you couldn’t get through and remind yourself that you did.
You are here today and that in itself is enough.
There is power in knowing yourself, power in understanding how you view the world.
Know your biases and triggers
Master your emotions, appetites and inclinations
Find out what you want to work on
I asked myself tough questions:
Would I be doing this if no one knew about it?
Am I truly proud of the person I am today?
Are there any toxic relationships in my life that need to be dealt with?
Am I a good friend?
What is my attitude to facing a challenge?
What do I have trouble trusting about myself?
What causes me to feel the most out of control?
How often do I feel lost or purposeless? What causes these moments?
The answers to these questions confirmed to me that I needed to change.
I wasn’t fully living my life for myself, which meant that half of my Instagram captions were straight-up lies.
So I went the typical “I’m focusing on myself” route.
I got off of social media for a few weeks. Then kept wondering if people had noticed that I was gone.
I then came up with a new routine; one that had me up at 5am and in bed by 9 pm. Let’s just say that didn’t stick. I watched every show on Netflix and renewed my HBO subscription.
I started going to the gym. I spent more time looking for a gym outfit than I did at the gym.
After days of thinking I was doing something, I realized that I had no idea what I was doing.
I was going too fast with no direction in mind.
I didn’t know what I was working on, I didn’t know what I was working towards.
I mean I knew that I didn’t feel in “control” of my life but
WHY did I feel this way?
HOW did this make me feel exactly?
WHEN did I feel this way?
WHERE did I feel this the most?
WHAT exactly am I feeling?
For a second I stopped blaming people and circumstances for how I was feeling and started coming for myself.
100% honest moment.
It went something like :
I am inconsistent
I am scared
I can be unreliable
I am too comfortable with where I’m at now
What I didn’t do is let these thoughts linger in my mind.
After each phrase, as I took my pen away from my journal, I whispered to myself “I forgive you”.
I had to whisper because I couldn‘t be out here looking crazy, like girl Angels are watching you from above right now.
This is where holier than thou Ley steps in for a second.
You know how you do something and ask God for forgiveness and say “I’ll never do it again”, give yourself that same energy.
Give yourself that same love and mercy.
Journaling with Ley:
How do I currently feel about myself?
Do I believe every thought I think?
What does Self-Love mean to me?
When am I at my best?
What would I like to be remembered for?
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